For the record, I'm not the one supposed to be in charge nor am I second in command.

Today was the first time in 8 or so years I didn’t take over the weekly morning meeting. I just let everybody talk about their issues and waited for our venerable leader, Glynda, to come up with the solutions I always offer.

I wish I could have taken pictures of everybody’s reactions! They kept looking to me and I had steepled my hands and placed them in front of my mouth to imply I was deep in thought, trying to find a solution for their dilemmas. When Glynda realized I wasn’t offering up any wisdom nuggets, she clumsily tried, bless her dumb little heart, but the staff would look at her and then look at me as if to say “really?” but I would just nod along like Glynda’s ideas were the best thing I’d ever heard! No more raising yourself up by standing on my shoulders you mental midget!

Okay, I know I’m beginning to sound like that dude from “The Shining”.

My coworker Milton has been walking around all week thinking she’s special because she keeps getting shocked by objects around the office. No, Milton, you are not the only precious being endowed with special powers to conduct tiny charges of electricity. It wouldn’t bother me so much if not for her constant updates.

“Ooh! There I go again shocking the printer!’

“I just shocked the chair!”

“I barely touched the door jab and I shocked it!”

SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!

Things I did today to reach my goals:

Healthy eating: Breakfast, banana. Lunch, ratatoullie. Dinner, homemade beef stew with french baguette. Snack, granola bar, 2 cuties.

Activity: Just some regular cleaning and cooking. I did do more walking around the office looking for charts and things like that.

New Job: Did some online research to see if there was anything interesting. Nothing yet.

Spending: I bought nothing! Although, it turns out I had bought a metal mannequin thing I had forgotten all about since I had ordered it a long time ago. I came home to find a box on my front stoop and was very confused but also a little afraid because I had just read this article about people mailing glitter to their enemies. I thought maybe somebody had sent me a box full of dust bunnies so I was very hesitant to open it but then I was pleasantly surprised.

Would you believe me if I told you it takes me an hour to eat a banana?

I’m serious. I think when people see me for the first time, they assume that I can chow down with the best of them based on my chubby (but lovable) appearance alone. They’d be so wrong though. My breakfast usually consists of one banana. Not because I’m deliberately trying to keep my caloric intake low, although that is a plus, but because that’s really all I can manage to eat in the morning when I’m at work. 

My banana and I usually sit at my desk, listening to the many ramblings of my coworker (Milton). Today she tells me about her Christmas gift from her daughter. She gave her Rogaine. One bite of banana. I then move on to other important things like pondering the question set forth by my other coworker (Cowardly Lion) “are corduroys a casual pant or can they be worn in an office setting”. Three bites of banana, because PONDERING. Then I head to my coworker’s (Scarecrow) desk to help her login to the system because a whole day has gone by and she can’t remember a combination of letters and numbers. Two quick bites of banana before getting up from my desk. 

By the time I’ve taken the last bite of the banana, I have helped the office manager edit her surgery requests online, fixed the front desk printer and answered Cowardly Lion’s question “Yes, corduroys can be worn as professional attire as long as you wear a nice top and some kicky heels”. At that point, I feel like I’ve been eating all day and I just can’t picture being hungry enough to eat my peanut butter and jelly sandwich on whole grain bread in a few hours.

Who knew I could go on and on about a banana? One delicious, but very filling, banana.

Things I did today in my quest for change:
Health- Ate half a pb&j for lunch, a packet of peanuts as a snack and a homemade chicken sandwich for dinner.
Activity- Zero. I know there are no excuses but I was freaking cold all day.
Job- Started making a list of things to put on my résumé.
Spending-I bought nuthin!

New Year New... Me?

Typing the first line in a new blog has, so far, been the hardest thing I’ve had to do in blog-world. 

Should I hit the ground running and just start spouting the reason for my return to blogging? (because, who cares?) Should I give a brief “where am I now” explanation? (because, does it matter?) Should I just start fresh knowing that there will probably only be a handful of people (HI FAMILY!) reading this? (there were only a handful my first time around anyway, HI FAMILY!) 

After much deliberation with the voices in my head, we voted on doing “all of the above”. 

I’ve decided to do some dramatic, for me, changes to my life and I’m hoping that having a day to day chronicle will help me with my goals. The changes I want to make to my life are the same ones every other person on Earth vows to make once a new year turns the calendar’s page. I want to be more active, eat healthier food, look for -AND FIND- another job and curtail my spending habits. I would add “be a better person” but how much more awesome can I get? There is no answer to that question so don’t try and look for one.

 Since the last time I blogged, I have gained the weight I so proudly lost with an additional bunch of flabbity fat added in for good measure. There are many reasons for the multiplying of my fat cells but the main ones were due to a bad left knee, then a torn meniscus in my right knee which meant surgery and then dueling bad knees with a side of a torn calf muscle thrown in. I am now at about 85% in my recovery with the 15% coming solely from the original rebellious left knee.  Besides my blood pressure still being of concern, I have also been diagnosed as diabetic and have begun to have some severe diabetic side effects due to blood sugar spikes I’m still trying to control. Apparently aging can’t come at me in a sweet, melodic embrace. No, it has to come at me from all sides with metal bats and those round iron spiky things attached to chains. 

Every day, I am going to post what it was that I did that day to try and accomplish my goals. I have no idea how I’m going to chronicle my curtailed spending. “Today I saw the most beautiful boots ever to adorn wide calves BUT I WALKED AWAY” I don’t know. I guess it’s still a work in progress.

Regarding my quest to find a new job, there is only so much a person can take in their professional life. I am tired of being the only competent person because everybody else has checked out and is coasting due to their closeness to retirement. I am ready to throw a wrench into their cruise control apparatus and then laugh from my lofty future office. Well, I’d settle for a lofty cubicle. 

As to my healthy goals, I’ll document what I ate and post how many steps my lying fitbit has counted. I think it cheats me out of steps but it could very well be that I tend to glide delicately through life and not clomp around like a stegosaurus. I don’t know maybe I just don’t swing my arms enough.

So, yeah. I'm back.

That's not me. That's just some dude with a comical mustache I saw on TV.