My first job interview was done by a man covered in a film of flour.

I’ve been researching interview strategies and tips on what not to do on interviews and what kind of questions one should ask to appear smart and interested. I came across one tip that I think is pretty much a no brainer “do not bad mouth your current/ex-employer” and it made me laugh.

Potential Employer: Ms. Bee Musing, can you tell me why you are looking to leave Arkham Asylum?

Me: The Office Manager is an idiot and the Owner sits on his surgery billing until they are past the timely filing limit therefore he never gets paid on his surgeries making him the worst business man ever!

Might as well throw in:

Me: ALSO, THE CRAZIES HAVE TAKEN OVER THE NUTHOUSE! RUN! IS THAT A BAT ON YOUR HEAD?

Potential Employer: You’re hired!

I already know what I’m going to say since I’ve been rehearsing it for 5 years but I’m glad somebody went to the trouble to point out that bad mouthing an employer would be a sure way to get your name crossed off the list.

Another tip is to research the company and then ask questions about it but that would make me feel very stalk-y.

Me [snooty voice]: I see Mr. Peppershmitt has been CEO since 2005 and the company has turned a substantial profit every year with him at its helm. Any chance he lets his employees stay at his beach house in the Hamptons? His new wife has a really nice tan! [shows potential employer the instagram picture of CEO’s wife in a bikini]

Potential Employer: You’re hired!

I just want to find a nice company that will take advantage of my hardworking self and give me a sense of accomplishment in return. At the end of the day, I don’t want to feel like I run around in circles, repeating the same answers to the same tired questions.

Or maybe I’ll just settle for a company that that doesn’t make their employees buy their own pens.

Things I've done to accomplish my goals:

Healthy Eating- I have done okay. I have had Pei-Wei way too many times but I think I've finally tired out my tastebuds. I keep trying to make the right choices when it comes to snacks and drinks (because I'm still adicted to the COKE even though I know it wants to kill me).

Shopping- this has been really hard since I'm looking for a business suit and then my cheating fingers just go roaming about the internet looking for cute shoes. I did buy 2 pairs of slacks that I'm hoping to find a nice suit/blazer thing to go along with them. We'll see once they arrive.

New J-O-B- I stole some job descriptions from a law clerk I got into a fight with (I googled her because she told me she was an attorney and so I wanted to verify) because I do a lot of the same things she does. I have no shame. I also bought some slacks that will hopefully work for job interviews (do you see what I did there?)

Activity- Still meeting my step goals.